Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
house sitting!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’m being attacked 😭