Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
mood
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Denise please return my vape pen
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”