Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
😅😅😅
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks