Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
brian had himself a morning…
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Breaking news:
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Inside you there are two wolves
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock