My blood type is b hungry.
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear