I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Some people were born into their job.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
no!! no!!!!!!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy