[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Easy enough.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH