@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
is this a threat
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)