Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
You Might Also Like
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
A game married people play.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard