Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
You Might Also Like
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“What movie?” 🤔
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food