Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Breaking news:
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat