Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Ha
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Leaving the Barbers like
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.