My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
You Might Also Like
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)