I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.