I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You Might Also Like
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?