My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.