A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
this is the news I live for
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER