I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.