Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
This is my cat’s medicine.