Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa