me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.