JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
dam girl
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.