The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.