Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
my favorite genre of twitter
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.