*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”