I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
anyone else like Italian cereal
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?