Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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I ate everything, including the H.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Skills
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath