Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him