All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
You Might Also Like
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud