Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Bartenders are just boneless bars
In case you needed to hear it:
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?