If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority