*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Nice try, NASA
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Investing in beetcoin
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.