I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.