*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event