Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn