Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
You Might Also Like
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*