The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.