My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
this is funnier than any friends episode
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.