People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*