Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”