What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Just ordered me some pizza!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left