me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.