Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width