The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.