Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
You Might Also Like
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?