him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My love language is hissing.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.