(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
spicy snake
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers