[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Social distancing in Australia:
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Only a mother’s love …
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella