“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.