me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
You Might Also Like
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.